Search and Seduce Read online

  “Mark, please.” She needed him to stop before he said too much. “I don’t want to be romanced. I just need...”

  Mark. But she wanted him here. With her.

  He brushed his fingers across her cheek, tucking stray strands of hair behind her ear. “You mean so much to me, Amy. And after what happened earlier, I felt you should know.”

  His lips touched hers, kissing her softly. She closed her eyes, knowing she should step back. They needed to talk. She had to explain that she couldn’t break rule number four.

  But then his hands held her head, deepening the kiss. She gave in, taking everything he offered. It was selfish, but she took the kiss, needing his touch.

  Hips pressed against him, she felt his thigh vibrate. It ended and then started again. Reluctantly, he released her, withdrawing his phone and checking the screen.

  “I need to take this.” Mark moved toward the hall as he offered the person on the other end a curt greeting.

  Amy slipped her arm out of the sleeve, gently setting it down in the box. It was the most thoughtful gift anyone had ever given her. How many men would stand up to the Benton brothers, offer her gifts that brought her closer to making her dream for these puppies a reality, and then kiss her senseless? Maybe she was making a big mistake clinging to her rules. Maybe—

  “Amy.”

  She turned around and saw Mark standing in the entryway to the kitchen. The muscles in his jaw were tight. There was no sign of the smiling man who’d driven all over Oregon to buy her a present. This man was determined and tense, every inch a warrior.

  “That was my commanding officer. They have asked me to return to base. They need me back in Afghanistan.”

  20

  AMY STEPPED BACK, reaching behind her for the table’s edge, needing the hard surface to keep her upright and balanced.

  Leaving. Shipping out. For Afghanistan. Now.

  The maybes, the what-ifs, they vanished with those words.

  “But you just got home,” she said, echoing what she’d repeated over and over to another man in what felt like another life.

  “I signed up to fill the shortfalls.”

  “You asked to go back?”

  “If they needed me. And they do.” There was so much sadness in his brown eyes. “One of our helicopters was hit. Only two PJs survived.”

  “Oh, God.” Those poor men—and their families, probably opening their doors to a person wearing a uniform. Those wives, mothers, fathers and children sitting down and listening as the stranger cut apart their lives with news no one imagines would hurt so damn much.

  “Did you know them?” she asked.

  “I didn’t find out who was in the helicopter,” he said. “They haven’t notified all of the families.”

  “Of course.” Her body was numb, and it felt as if her world was shifting to autopilot. Jango moved to her side, pressing against her leg. She reached down and touched the top of his head. “When do you leave?”

  “In the morning. First thing. I’ll see if T.J. or Luke will give me a ride to the airport. I know you need to be here with your dogs.”

  “I’m sure one of them will.”

  Mark stepped forward, his brow knitted together. “Amy, I meant what I said before the call. Over the past few days, you’ve become a part of my life that I don’t want to walk away from. I never thought I’d feel that way about anyone. For so long, I thought I was lucky that no one was waiting for me back home. I told myself I wasn’t worth the heartache.”

  Her anger sparked. “Don’t you dare say that.”

  He moved closer, stopping within arm’s reach. Amy ran her fingers through Jango’s short hair. She refused to give in to the temptation to touch Mark, kiss him and draw him close. He was leaving, damn it.

  “You’re an amazing man, Mark.” Her voice wavered as she said his name.

  “I’m glad you think so.” He offered her a tentative smile. “Because I don’t want this to be goodbye. In four months, six months, whenever this tour ends, I want to come back to you. You told me that I deserved a home. I want it to be with you.”

  Her hand stilled on the top of Jango’s head. “You can’t promise you’ll come back.”

  His smile disappeared. “No. I can’t. But there is a long list of promises that I can make to you. I swear on my mother’s grave that I will never break your trust. And you have my word that I will help you follow your dreams. I’ll be there for you as a friend and lover. I promise to do my best to stay safe every time a mission drops and my team heads out.

  “I’m good at what I do, Amy. If that offers you any comfort, know that I take every precaution when my life and my team’s lives are at stake. But we still go in, and we rescue the person who has fallen. Maybe I took on this job because of my childhood, because I wanted to prove I could be so much more than that quiet kid, to show the world that I can help people. I don’t know. And in the moment when another man or woman’s life depends on me doing my job, it doesn’t matter why I’m there.”

  Part of her wanted to scream, Yes, I’ll wait for you! But fear rose up like a wild animal threatening to tear her to pieces. Maybe it made her the greediest person on the planet, but she had her calling and he had his. They’d shared so much over the years, growing closer these past few days, becoming lovers... But their work, their passions, were like parallel paths that never intersected.

  “Amy?” He ran the back of his hand over her cheek.

  “I’ve finally found a way to move on,” she said slowly. “I’m sorry, Mark, but I can’t go back. The deployments, the fear, the not knowing...I can’t do it again. You should have someone to come home to. But that person isn’t me.”

  “I understand,” he said tightly. “You were clear about the rules from the beginning. I just thought... Shit, it doesn’t matter what I thought.”

  “I’m sorry,” she repeated, her voice shaking.

  His brown eyes studied her as if trying to memorize every last detail of her face, knowing he wouldn’t be coming back. At least, not here.

  Amy fought back a sob at the thought of losing him completely. “I have no right to ask,” she said. “But will you keep in touch?”

  “I’ll try.” He nodded to the doorway. “I should go. I’ll call T.J. and ask for a ride.”

  He turned to leave, and she reached for him. “Wait. Before you go.”

  She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight, feeling every solid inch of him pressed up against her. This time, the feel of his body offered comfort, not lust. Mark was strong. And he was a fighter. He’d stay safe and come home alive.

  Just not to her.

  * * *

  AMY WORE THE COMPRESSION SLEEVE on her arm as she headed back to the kennel. T.J. and Luke walked beside her, leading Foxtrot.

  “Not bad for his first lesson,” Luke said, offering the puppy another treat. “He got a full grip and didn’t let go.”

  “He’s my star.” She held the door.

  “That sleeve helps.” T.J. gave her covered arm a pat as he walked past. “I’m sorry Mark got called back when he did. The man deserved a proper thank you for a gift like that.”

  “Shut up, T.J.,” Luke snapped. “I’ve come around to the idea of Amy and Mark together, but I don’t need a mental picture.”

  Amy followed the brothers down the hall to the whelping room. “We’re not together. It’s over. Neither of you need to worry.”

  She shrugged out of the sleeve while Luke led Foxtrot inside.

  “Need help with that?” T.J. asked.

  “No,” she said, setting it in the hall. “I’ll put it away later. Let’s head in and check on the others.”

  “They’re probably still exhausted from their morning exercise,” T.J. said.

  Amy worked alongside the brothers, petting the puppies and checking their water. In a few days, T.J. would return to his work at Lackland, and then a week later, Luke would leave. It would be just her and her dogs, which is exactly what she’d wanted.


  “Amy, your personal life is none of my business,” T.J. said, kneeling in front of Rosie’s cage. The puppy had been moping ever since Mark’s departure. “But I noticed he spent the night in Jeremy and Gabe’s old room.”

  “Is this what you do down at Lackland?” Luke demanded. “Gossip like a bunch of girls?”

  “When I drove him to the airport this morning, Mark didn’t exactly seem happy with the way you left things,” T.J. added, ignoring his brother.

  Amy’s hand froze midair, holding a tennis ball. “Did he say something?”

  “Only that he doesn’t plan to return to Heart’s Landing,” T.J. said.

  “Ever?” Luke asked.

  T.J. stared at her. “Said there was nothing here for him.”

  Amy looked away, releasing the ball. “He has a storage unit.”

  “He’s planning to have the owner box it up and ship it to him,” T.J. replied.

  The reality sank in. Mark wasn’t coming back to this town. And why should he? This place held nothing but bad memories for him.

  But hearing T.J.’s words and recognizing the truth, it brought her close to tears. Never was a very long time. She’d been so afraid she would lose him on the battlefield, she hadn’t stopped to consider that if he simply walked away and never looked back, it would hurt just as much. The reality of never seeing him again, never holding him or hugging him again—it was like a physical wound.

  “Amy, honey, I don’t know what happened between the two of you,” T.J. continued. “But I know for a fact that man cares for you.”

  “He does,” she said, her voice wavering. “But knowing he cares—that is not enough. I can’t go back to the life I had.”

  “Maybe this time would be different,” T.J. said. “Mark’s not a SEAL.”

  “It doesn’t matter. For me, for the person waiting, his job or which branch of the military he serves in does not matter. When Mark goes out on a mission, his focus will be on saving that life. He’ll be 100 percent in the moment. And that soldier, civilian, whoever he saves, will be so fortunate he’s there. But if I said yes, if I agreed to wait for Mark, I would spend every day wondering if he’s safe. No matter how busy I am, I’ll never forget that he could die at any moment. I’ll keep going, working, paying the bills, moving through the motions of living, waiting for him to come home. But inside, fear will follow me everywhere.

  “I can’t risk losing my sense of self, my independence and maybe the man I’m waiting for. You can’t possibly understand—”

  “But I do.” Elizabeth Benton’s voice echoed against the whelping room’s cinder-block walls. “I know what it is like to be a military spouse and mother.”

  “Shit,” Luke said.

  “Watch your language, Lucas.” Mrs. Benton walked into the room.

  “How much did you overhear?” T.J. asked grimly, his hands on his hips.

  “Enough to confirm what I already suspected,” she said, smiling up at Amy. “I saw the way Mark looked at you during dinner the other night. And I hoped you two wouldn’t let the past hold you back.”

  “I... We—” Amy searched for the right words. “But it is.”

  “Boys, why don’t you check on the other dogs? Nova and Bullet looked lonely when I walked past their rooms,” Mrs. Benton said.

  “Yes, Mom,” the brothers said in unison, heading for the door.

  “I’m so proud of what you’ve built. I must admit I got a bit caught up in the excitement of the opening. But then, I look for any excuse to demand my boys use their limited vacation time to come home,” her former mother-in-law said.

  “I appreciate everything you did to make it happen,” Amy said quickly. “I want you to know that Mark and I, we didn’t plan what happened.”

  “You can’t plan love,” she said. “If you could, all those couples on reality TV would end up spending the rest of their lives together. And I think we both know most sensible women would steer clear of a military marriage.”

  Amy nodded.

  “But love isn’t sensible. You fall for the man, not his job,” Mrs. Benton continued. “And you choose to make it work.”

  Amy searched the older woman’s face, lined with years of worry and heartbreak. “How do you do it? Your sons, all of them, decided to put themselves in harm’s way. And after losing a husband...how do you make it through each day not knowing if they’re safe and alive?”

  Mrs. Benton shrugged. “I trust they are good at their jobs. Sometimes it helps me to remember that people die in everyday life. I know it sounds morbid, but there is always a chance you could lose the people you love to a car crash or illness. And Heaven knows, there were plenty of times when my boys were young, I thought I would lose them to an accident.

  “Did you know Luke and Jeremy once jumped out of a tree with towels tied on as capes? They wanted to see if they could be superheroes. Each boy broke a leg.”

  “I heard the stories,” Amy said.

  “At least now they have the training to go out into the world and be heroes.” Mrs. Benton shook her head at the memory. “My husband and my boys felt called to serve their country. I can’t change that, and if I could, I’m not sure I would want to. I love them for who they are.”

  Amy bit her lip. For weeks, she’d wanted everyone to see past the labels, to understand that she was not Darren’s perfect widow. And yet, she’d turned around and done the same to Mark. He was an airman who saved lives. Yes, that might complicate their future together. It might be hard, but he deserved to be loved for who he was.

  “Excuse me,” she said, moving toward the door. “I need to go win back my hero.”

  21

  MARK CLIMBED INTO the helicopter waiting at the NATO hospital. They’d delivered the patient—a child caught in the cross fire between US military forces and Afghan insurgents—in stable condition. And for the first time in weeks, Mark felt like smiling.

  They flew the short distance to their base and headed for the barracks to clean up. Out there, on a mission, he felt alive and sure of himself. He was 100 percent focused on saving the patient. But back at the barracks, his mind wandered, returning to Heart’s Landing. He never planned to set foot in the town again, but that didn’t magically wipe out his memories.

  And, shit, the emails from Amy weren’t helping. He’d received the first one, asking to video chat, the day after she booted him out of her life. The sting from her rejection was still there.

  “Hey, Mark, what the hell?” Teddy, one of the younger guys on the team, called. “We save a ten-year-old boy’s life in front of his weeping mother and you’re frowning? You rocked that mission.”

  “Tired, that’s all.” He turned away from the rest of his team, heading for his bed. He had twelve hours before his next shift. He should shower and get to bed. But he knew he’d end up checking his email first. Just because he didn’t respond didn’t mean he wanted to stop hearing from her. He liked reading about her day and seeing pictures of Rosie—though she’d stopped sending those in an attempt to get him to respond. If he agreed to a video chat, she’d bring the dog.

  But he wasn’t ready. He needed to bury the hurt a little deeper before he saw her and talked to her again. It might be easy for her to follow the playbook she’d laid out and go back to where they’d been before, but he couldn’t do it. Not yet.

  Shaking his head, he opened his computer and logged on. And there it was, his daily email from Amy. Only this one didn’t mention a video chat or offer a picture of the puppies. This time, she’d written a list.

  Dear Mark,

  For months, I sent you my memories. And when you came home, I shared my secrets with you. Now I’m mourning a different loss—what we might have had together if only I’d opened my heart and mind to the possibility earlier. I’m sorry. I allowed fear to guide my choices, instead of love.

  I’m sorry and I’ve fallen in love with you. Those are words I wished to say to your face, or at least to your image on the computer screen, but you refused to ans
wer my emails, so I’m writing them here.

  I know how we got here, but I can’t find my way back. Following your advice, I’ve made a new list of memories. Below are the moments that brought me to this place...

  1) I saw your chest on the computer screen. And I stared (longer than I should have) at your muscles. At the time, it felt inappropriate. But I’m not sorry.

  2) You caught me in my underwear.

  3) You saw me for who I wanted to be, not an image or a label. I only wished I’d returned that kindness sooner.

  4) We kissed. If you’d like to know more about this memory, well, you’ll need to respond to my emails.

  5) We danced. I still hear that song in my dreams sometimes. I wake up wanting and I... Again a response is required to learn more.

  Love,

  Amelia Mae

  Mark read the email a second time. Amy was in love with him. How? When? The questions scrambled in his head as his lower half responded to number five. Amy and sex—again those words wreaked havoc.

  He’d been determined to move on, to focus on doing his job. He belonged here, saving lives, not tied to a town that offered nothing more than bad memories.

  Except they weren’t all bad. He’d kissed Amy for the first time in Heart’s Landing. With her by his side, he’d locked the ghosts from his childhood where they belonged—in the past. And he’d fallen in love there.

  Mark opened the laptop and began typing.

  * * *

  “DON’T GET YOUR hopes up,” Amy said to Jango and Rosie as they sat down on either side of her chair, their eyes focused on the kitchen table.

  She’d moved the puppy into the house last week, knowing that continuing her training wouldn’t change the fact that she’d never serve in the military or work with a police force. And even if she miraculously showed an interest in learning the necessary skills, Amy didn’t want to let her go. Rosie belonged here.

  Every morning, she fed the dogs, made her coffee and sat down at the computer to check her email. But fourteen days later, she still hadn’t heard from him. She’d convinced Luke to call and pretend the army needed to know if the latest team of PJs had deployed, but they’d refused to give him an answer.